centered
by ChappiRuki
Summary: She was always careful and quiet until he comes in. He picks up the pieces she lost, and she returns the favor. AU.
1. meet, move, out

"Hello classmates, I'm Kuchiki Rukia. Pleased to meet you all."

He stiffens at the rigid, prideful voice and turns to look at her; her cheerful eyes and carefully sculpted smile are so sweet, so _fake_ that he can't help but cringe, yet, he narrows his eyes, her rigid and classy posture was so similar to someone he couldn't pinpoint to. But he knows one thing for sure-

-he did not like that person, and therefore would not like this person either.

The others feed on her lies and instantly fall for it, impatiently waiting to be seated next to her.

He turns away and hopes she will be far from his sight.

"You will sit next to Kurosaki Ichigo."

The fangirls wail; the fanboys glare.

She keeps her plastered smile on and then the teacher says-

"Kurosaki, please share your textbook with her."

He scowls while shifting his desk closer to share; he really didn't want to interact with people any more than he had to, especially with her.

Ichigo shifts his textbook closer to her and glances up, her eyes were on him. Usually he wouldn't be bothered by it since he always without fail received stares for his flashy, orange hair. Yet her stare was not eye-gaping, she was looking at him, like she could see how empty he was.

And that was the last thing he wanted.

"Is there something...?"

She hesitates, then says-

"-Thank you, but," she says in a low, firm tone, "I don't need it."

He blinks once, twice, then says-

"-Are you sure?"

"Yes," she replies convincingly as she flips through her sketchbook.

Ichigo slowly retrieves it back.

"Kuchiki-san, please read verse 10."

He pushes the book back at her, but she instead stands with her sketchbook in hand and-he observes-seems to be reading from it.

"I dive towards what I cannot see, what I cannot hear, fearlessly. It is dark, it is black, and yet for a reason only I could understand, I feel it brim within me-

-freedom."

"Perfect. Thank you Kuchiki-san, you may sit down."

As she sits down, Ichigo eyes her from the corner of his eyes, and swears that while she read, he'd heard something he'd never heard so definite and clear before-

-longing.

* * *

><p>"Did you memorize the entire book?" He asks curiously after the period ends.<p>

She pauses, then says-"Not exactly"-before leaving him more puzzled than ever.

He watches her disappear down the hall, then turns to leave himself.

* * *

><p>...i dont even know where this is going .-.<p> 


	2. observant

The door opens and he sees _her_ coming to the roof.

He twitches but doesn't move from his spot.

She gives a curt nod to him and then places her elbows on the rails and looks out ahead.

With one eyebrow raised, he continues to observe her, then he decides that she wouldn't do anything to him or disturb his privacy.

He returns his stare back at the sky.

* * *

><p>It becomes a routine.<p>

The bell rings and Ichigo goes up the steps to the roof and lies down. She comes up and leans forward on the rails and stares ahead of her. He returns his eyes up towards the sky. And when he's about to leave, she's already gone.

No conversation is ever passed between them.

It's a few days later that he finds himself looking at her whether he likes it or not.

First time, he observes her form and posture and notices that it's relaxed, no curt smile, no tension, just relaxation. He decides he likes it.

Second time, she tosses him his book, which he of course catches it spontaneously; it's one of Shakespeare and he glances over at her in wonder.

She doesn't look back.

Third time, he's up on the roof's little building; she stands at the doorway staring at the empty spot then looking up at him, lying on top of the roof's building. Rukia chuckles, bends down, picks it up, and returns to her spot, lunch in hand.

He grins despite himself.

Fourth time, he walks up the steps and she's there first for once, in her usual spot, yet this time he can see her face, the face she is making.

And he knows that expression, he knows it because it's the same one he always makes when he's out here, lying on the roof and just staring straight up, as if hypnotized. It catalyzes his heart into a steady rhythm that soothes him.

Maybe, maybe she too, has a wound that wouldn't heal.

Fifth time, his eyes are so prominently bloodshot red that even Rukia can't help but pause and look at him. At first, he thinks she's going to back away and run off, screaming and gossiping away that he secretly smokes weed, or that he's a vampire waiting to bite someone. Instead, she straightens her back, boldly walks over to him, and looks at him in the eye.

"You need sleep," she says it as a matter-of-fact.

"I can't," Ichigo says hoarsely, "got too much on my mind."

Rukia's gaze softens.

"I know," she says quietly, "but you're going to make people worry and you're not the type to want that," she says determinedly.

"How do you know?" he asks as she pulls him down forcibly onto her makeshift pillow.

"Because you're easy to read," she says casually, but he senses that the tone meant she didn't want to talk anymore about it, so he let's it go.

"Isn't this the part where the girl offers her lap?" he asks instead, giving her a playful grin while lying down.

"No, because I don't want stiff and sleepy legs afterwards," she snarkily replies.

He laughs shortly and it dies instantly as it came- it had been awhile since he'd laughed, if ever, since then; Rukia looks over at him and says-

"You can sleep Ichigo. I'm right here."

Before he falls asleep, he realizes that this is their first, real conversation-

-and that she called him Ichigo.

* * *

><p>an: holy shit, i'm on my second chapter in a day already; well that's cuz i wasn't satisfied with just that short first one; i think imma make this slow-paced. maybe. idk. i don't make any promises- least not anymore.

review? :3


	3. scratch the surface, then fall

warning: ooc. kinda.

* * *

><p>"Oh my god!" The girl whisper-screeches as she passes by, "It's the Kuchiki girl!"<p>

"That girl? She's tiny!"

"But it is her! She's Kuchiki Byakuya's sister!"

"Sister? She's damn lucky to have such a hottie as her brother!"

Everyone has eyes on her yet not. They gossip, blabber, and never fucking shut up. It doesn't matter how many times she moves, the result is always the same.

She craves being the nobody, the ghost that swims through crowds, crowds, and crowds of people without a single glance looking towards her, prying riches from her arms, legs, body, but never the heart.

Never the heart.

She slams the door and carefully steers her eyes away from his as she walks over to the rails. Rukia leans against it with her elbows; still restless, she rests her head against her arms, then she sits down, and finally sprawls out across the floor.

Ichigo observes her unusual behavior and moments after, then he finally makes up his mind and walks over to her.

"Hey."

She doesn't reply.

He sighs and tells her to eat; she shakes her head quietly. When she can still feel his presence hovering over her, she finally speaks, an elbow over her face, "Just give me a few more hours. I'll be fine by then so just...leave me alone for a moment."

Ichigo tightens the edges of his mouth and swings her over his shoulder.

"What the-?!"

He says nothing.

"Put me down this instant!" Rukia insists, beating his back with her fists, "Now!"

"Why?"

"_Because_ t_he media is going to paint this all over the front page_," she emphasizes exasperatedly, "I refuse to have them antagonize you over something as silly as this!"

"Will you _stop_ degrading yourself? Your feelings are not pointless."

"To hell with feelings! Your family will get involved in this eventually!" she says, trying to talk sense into him, "the Kuchiki clan is going to be after you until you die!"

"Then to hell with the Kuchiki clan," he says casually, "and no, they won't come after me."

"Stop saying such meaningless-"

"Just shut up and lemme help dammit!" Ichigo finally snaps angrily.

"No," she says coldly then continues before he could retort, "not until you promise you won't be on the news."

They both glare at each other (or at least they tried since he had to turn his face far and failed miserably).

"Ok."

Rukia furrows her eyebrows at his easy assent, feeling quiet suspicion that something was going to happen. He walks over to the edge of the building and puts a leg on the rail. Her eyes widen.

"You...you cannot be serious-"

"You made me promise that," she can feel that smirk on his face, "so I have to go the harder way."

"Damn you, IchiIGOOOOO-!"

* * *

><p>an: forgive me for the oocness? pretty please?


	4. enter and hope

a/n: don't you just hate it when authors put translations at the END of the fanfic? and then you're reading the japanese like 'wtf?' and once you're at the end you have to go back and reread it again with the right translation but then at that point you're like 'where is it again?' and once you find it you don't know what's the point of this anyways and then finally you're like: 'fuck this!'

well that's why i'm putting it at the beginning :D (which if i think about it, isn't any better really -_-" aw well, tell me what you guys think!)

Kendo: a modern Japanese martial art that's from swordsmanship, or kenjutsu

+Shinai: bamboo sword

+Bokken: Japanese wooden sword

* * *

><p>Ichigo heaves her down carefully to the floor, but they both know she's the one that clambers off of him instantly and takes in deep gulps of breaths. Still leaning against the wall, Rukia opens her eyes only to find him staring back at her; she scowls.<p>

"Don't give me that face baka, I'm fine."

He smirks, "Yeah, you are." He shuffles over to the side of the room and opens a closet door, rummaging through it. Rukia recovers and stands up straight, catching a flying shinai.

She stares down at it in awe, "...This..." -she looks back up at him in wonder- "...how do you have this here? I never heard that the kendo club was still around on this campus."

"There used to be a kendo class around here during my freshman year," Ichigo sits on a nearby wooden chair, putting his chin against the handle of his shinai, "I didn't know about it until Kenpachi slammed the kendo club sign into my face," he grimaces at the memory, "I wasn't too happy about that, but the moment he saw me, he just wouldn't let me _not_ join so I did."

"As if," she snorts, "he forced you to fight him without any of the usual uniform 'cause he thinks that's not manly, found out your potential, and wouldn't let you leave until you joined them."

Rukia notices Ichigo's stare and averts her eyes from his, dreading the moment when all the scared comments would pour down to crush her. Then he did something she never thought he would-

-he laughs.

"First the textbook memorization and now this?" he shot her a curious look, "what else do you have up your sleeve?"

"Who knows?" Rukia says with an innocent shrug. "Maybe you're just too dumb."

"YOU-"

She flies at him with her shinai and smiles sweetly.

"Now that I have you riled up, we should do more fighting, less talking," she pushes him back and flashes him a wild look, "besides, it's payback time don't you think?"

The life drains from his face, and before they leap back to strike at each other again, he thinks-

-_thank god I didn't give her a bokken_.

* * *

><p><span>Reply to Review<span>

Guest: Lol, I also realized it after I posted it. ^^" Thanks for reviewing! And here's an early chapter for ya! Hope you like it~ ;D


	5. clean leftovers

"_Damn_," Ichigo says in awe, lying on the ground and staring up at the ceiling. He turns and looks at her. "You're _good_."

"Of course I am- I'm a Kuchiki," Rukia smirks while standing, "you're not bad yourself."

"Yeah...but _damn_," he says again as if in disbelief, "no one has been able to take me down like this. I think you're the first one in a long time."

"It's something you earn after months of training and years of fighting," she remarks lightly, eyes focusing on something he couldn't see, and before he can go over to her, she looks at him with a confident smile, "Looking at your skills however, you'll probably master them soon. However-" -she strolls over to his lying form- "lying around here without going against stronger people, without _losing_, makes you overconfident and narrow-minded, remember that."

"Yeah," he says, "I will."

The silence settles over them but more peaceful and simple than before-

-something neither of them had for a very long time.

* * *

><p>After that, they occupy the dojo, be it for minutes or hours, they're there, fighting, sometimes talking, and sometimes lazing around. No one knows this place, so no one interrupts them, she likes it, he likes it-<p>

-it's their own world.

"What...what are you _doing_?"

Rukia looks up from her work and raises an eyebrow.

"Cleaning this place."

"But...but why?"

"It's gotten dirty lately," she comments, while wiping each shinai, "plus, there's still some dust left around that you missed."

"Wha-"

"Don't take me for a fool Ichigo," Rukia gives him a dry look, "you've been here and cleaned here before without anyone looking. I could tell the moment I stepped in here. Do you own this place?"

"Yeah," he nods, "ownership was passed onto me."

"What a kind man Kenpachi is," she chuckles, "you kind of suck at cleaning."

"I do-"

"Here," she tosses him a mop and kicks a bucket of water over to him without it spilling, "go clean the floor."

"Why do _I_ have to clean the floor while you wipe the shinais and bokkens?"

"First, I'm already doing this for free without charge so you should thank me," she puts down a shinai and picks up a bokken, "second, you clearly suck at cleaning these 'weapons'" -she eyes him without moving her head- "and before you go complain to me about using a vacuum, understand that that makes noise, which brings nosy people here, which we do not need to initiate."

Ichigo grumbles but takes the mop and bucket over to the starting point and does his part.

* * *

><p>"This is good," she finally says after repeatedly telling Ichigo to get rid of certain spots and cleaning out the rest of the room.<p>

Ichigo looks around the room with appreciation despite his aching ears that ringed with Rukia's commands and short rebukes.

"It really is," he looks at her and gives her a smile of gratitude.

She returns the smile.

"No problem, although, really," -she raises an eyebrow- "it's a miracle that you managed to keep this room standing" -she continues before he can retort- "Kenpachi must've known you'd suck at it so he made sure it would last even then" -she looks over at him with an arched eyebrow- "well, even if you are pretty terrible at this, I commend you for taking care of this room for so long."

He stares at her blankly then looks away, a little red in the face. Rukia smirks knowingly but decides not to tease him.

It was pretty cute after all.

* * *

><p>Reply to (guests) Review:<p>

yuiyuki: OMG, you're the reviewer from my other story _For Him_ right? (please let me be right or it'll be so embarrassing...) I'm glad you're enjoying it! :D

hopelessromantic: thanks!

a/n: on a side note, I just wanted to thank the very nice reviews from Vivienne Iforgot Myname and eannseachel; I'm also happy you guys liked it enough to favorite and follow it (WOOP!); hopefully you guys got my private messages annnd I hope you two and the rest like this new chapter!


	6. recurring the same, but not

They make sure the dojo is clean every week; at the end of it, he ends up looking around in appreciation because before, before it had been so lifeless, colorless, but now -he looks over at Rukia who comes out of the closet after changing into her uniform- now it's full of life, something that he thought he'd never have again.

Ichigo grabs his bokken and quickly defends himself against her lethal form. He grins easily as they fly at each other again, and again, and _again_.

When it's done and over for the day, the both of them usually bicker a little, then move on into silence, the type that doesn't consume them but rather the type that is with them. And they're okay with that.

He admits to himself that life isn't as bad as he thought.

* * *

><p>Then he doesn't find her there.<p>

Ichigo stands at the door, fixing his gaze across the dojo in a stand-still with an empty stare. In his numbness he could sense it, something is off, entirely off, and he feels like he's about to hyperventilate and collapse into a puddle right then and there, which he usually thinks is pathetic but right now he couldn't care less; but he _still_ doesn't quite know what it is-

-or at least he pretends he doesn't know the feeling.

"Ichigo?"

He turns slowly over his shoulder and feels his entire body sag in relief; he holds himself up with his hands on his knees.

_She's still here._

"Ichigo," she nears his bent form and grips his shoulders, prompting him to look into her determined eyes that say one thing and one thing only-

-_I'm here_.

He breathes and feels the life seep back into his body again; he smiles.

"I'm fine."

His world spins on the right axis again.

* * *

><p>"Rukia," Ichigo calls out one day while lying on the floor; from her place, she looks at him with confused eyes -usually they'd enter one of their silent moments of just quiet breathing, but she answers anyways.<p>

"Yes?"

"Do you know Kenpachi?" he asks carefully and waits with bated breath while she bites her lip in hesitance.

"Yes."

Ichigo looks at her with wide eyes; she doesn't look back at him.

"Kenpachi is...one of the people I've fought with before," she started, startling Ichigo with this bit of info, "he was ruthless and laughing hysterically...but I had fun, more than I should really" -she absently twirls her shinai.

"...I see," Ichigo says quietly, returning his gaze to the ceiling, and bravely ventures on, "do you know where he is?"

"Not as of now, no," she replies, then looks at him inquiringly, "are you looking for him?"

Ichigo turns his head away, and all she sees is the back of his head.

"No, if he wants to be gone, then that's ok."

She looks at him with observant eyes then tightens her lips, assessing how bad this could go if she tries, because she knows he knows but won't admit to himself; and the fact that people of this caliber usually refuse to hear the truth whether it would help them or break them; then she remembers what he's done for her, inhales deeply, and goes over to him.

"Up," she demands out of the blue.

"What?" he asks bewilderedly.

Rukia waits impatiently, glaring at him.

"Ok, ok..." he slowly gets up.

"This dojo" -she waves an arm around the room- "is reserved and still around isn't it?"

"Yeah," he replies with a confused look, unsure of where she's going with this.

"Normally abandoned rooms are either torn down or left alone or even replaced by another purpose, like a club, a class, etc.," she explains, "and yet it's still here, not only that, he left the key with only you."

"So?"

"_Ichigo_," she says exasperatedly, "he never abandoned you; he wanted to give _you_ his place, not Yumichika, not Ikkaku, not even Yachiru!"

He stiffens immediately, and tosses the fact that she even knows them aside; instead, he focuses on what she means to say.

"...Yeah, you're right," Ichigo relents, "but he's not here" -he tightens his jaw and hardens his gaze- "None of them are."

She crosses her arms and leans against the wall, as if his words had triggered something she remembered. Ichigo extends his arm and is about to say something that would mean absolutely nothing but bullshit optimism, but then she's looking at him, her gaze soft and understanding.

He drops his arm.

"People all leave and follow their own paths eventually," she says quietly, "he's on his own path and left you this, but even so" -she points at his heart- "the bonds don't ever disappear from there. They'll always be with you no matter where you go, whether you like it or not" -she waves an arm around the room- "and this, this is physical evidence of that, what he left you and what you did with it."

Ichigo silently stands still and really looks at the room with a different gleam in his eyes, then it focuses on her; she doesn't look away.

"Yeah," he says absently as he feels a heavy door that's yanked open by her words and his willingness to venture in, "yeah."

He feels a little less lost than before.


	7. quiet infiltration

Rukia contemplates about a lot of things, things that make her dive deeper into a black hole that shows no escape. But with _him_, it's becoming less and less.

She bites her lip-

-she doesn't know if she likes it or not.

Of course, Rukia feels freer because he manages to occupy her mind in the dojo, where she doesn't have to worry about being recognized or being manipulated, where she can just be herself a little. However -she scrunches her eyebrows together- she is afraid that he'll become too attached to her as he had clearly shown the week before.

But even she knows that it isn't truly the result of missing her, it was because he'd been abandoned before -a lot more than he was willing to admit to her- and for him to open even a crack of his heart to her and then to be abandoned again-

-he would _break_.

Rukia looks up and stares at the picture in front of her.

She knows that feeling all too well.

And she curses herself for that, for being able to empathize with him, for being unable to leave him.

* * *

><p>So when Ichigo asks if he could visit her place, she adamantly refuses. Ichigo raises an eyebrow at that and then he asks-<p>

"-Why?"

She sighs and looks at him warily.

"Ichigo, I am not going to risk this any further," Rukia emphasizes slowly, "the media is a relentless, motherfucking chaser that I am sure you wouldn't want to fall victim to, especially with that orange hair of yours that everyone seems to have particular attention to."

Ichigo doesn't react as she expects and instead looks at her seriously.

"That's no excuse," he says quietly, watching her carefully, "Byakuya banned all of them from posting anything about you, questioning you, or nearing you at any moment."

She blinks once, then twice.

"_What_?" she asks incredulously.

"Haven't you noticed?" Ichigo asks, surprise in his tone; she just stares at him, "Your brother knows me, so I told him about your situation and he immediately put this into action."

She gapes at him, processing this info in her brain, and then everything makes sense, how gossip became less and less that she was nearly invisible in school, how no one follows her home or to the dojo, how she hasn't heard any of the usual clicks of the camera, how she doesn't hear a sound that indicates stalking, how strangely relaxed she'd been feeling for the past few weeks.

She collapses against the wall and slides down slowly. Rukia looks at Ichigo and finds him observing her reaction, and then her face contorts into anger and she is up and towering over his lying form.

"_You asked my brother to do this_?" she says lowly with real anger, "He is a very busy man, Ichigo. He doesn't need extra work to bother himself with when he's already full of his own work! You made him delay his work even further than he had to and that is just-"

"I helped him with his work," he cuts in amusedly, then adds, "even though he _was_ very stubborn" -he smirks- "just like you."

"But-"

"He wanted to do this."

Rukia stiffens immediately and shakes her head.

"You're lying," she says quietly, "There's no way my brother, who hasn't talked to me, who hasn't looked at me once, did this willingly."

Ichigo looks at her.

"You're right, he wouldn't do such things if I hadn't insulted him and told him what an ass he was as a brother and how unworthy he is for you" -he ignores the glare- "because a brother should be protecting his younger siblings" -he narrows his eyes further- "not ditching his only younger sister to the paparazzi."

"How dare you insult my brother," she snarls, "he has been through so much in his life that you wouldn't be able to imagine, so don't even insinuate that you know my brother."

"Is that any excuse to ignore you?"

She tenses, then folds her arm across her chest and stares at the floor.

"He has a good reason," she says absently, "a very good one."

Rukia refuses to meet his gaze and stubbornly looks down. She hears him get up and walk over to her.

"Rukia," he implores, leading her to look at him after composing her face, "I don't know what your problem is with him, and I don't know the history between you two, but there's one thing for sure-

-he does care about you in his own way."

"No, he doesn't, he can't," she shakes her head insistently, "he can't."

"Then how do you explain what he's done for you?"

"You just said it yourself- you insulted him for doing such things, which convinced him to do this for me."

"Exactly," Ichigo affirms, "so don't you think it's strange that this man, who you're convinced hates your existence, listens to someone insult him for being a terrible brother and then decides to take action in order to alleviate your life?"

Rukia quiets, a dim glow in her eyes in realization; he pursues onward.

"If he really didn't care about you, he wouldn't have listened to me in the first place, especially since I've insulted his pride, and then help you by doing this."

She remains silent; he stands up, having done what needed to be said and grabs his bag. Rukia catches the bag thrown to her without looking.

"And?" he inquires expectantly.

She looks up at him, startled, "What?"

"Can I visit your place?"

Rukia is silent for about ten minutes before she nods.

"Ok."


	8. take a step in

She doesn't believe it, she _refuses_ to believe it, but it bothers her, because it's the first time they walk out of school together, along with that bright, orange hair and that she, herself, is a Kuchiki, and yet, the gossip, the _stares_ are sparse. It's then that it _really_ hits her that her brother really had done it, had put her off the paparazzi's radar, and that-

-that gives her a strange feeling.

The entire time she'd said absolutely nothing, she'd _still_ say nothing to her brother, yet the moment Ichigo did -she sneaks a glance at him- the moment he did, things fall into place. A warm feeling of content spreads through her, and even though she's still mortified and a little angry, she can't stop the glass cage break slightly, the feelings of comfort seep through her that she can't help but revel in it.

They turn a corner and she asks him-

"Ichigo, how do you know my brother?"

"Kenpachi and Byakuya were long-time enemies," he yawns behind a hand; Rukia gives him a sharp glance, he ignores it and continues, "Byakuya owned the school so he usually checked around the school. He always came by the dojo and chided Kenpachi for not teaching kendo properly; Kenpachi would retort that it wasn't manly to learn techniques of such weak stuff- fighting would man them up.

"They'd raise the tension so high that many of the men found it unbearable and scurried off. I stayed around to _try_ to prevent damage. But then they'd be at it for two hours, causing damage all over the place which _I'd_ have to fix up- Hanataro did the cleaning" -he adds when Rukia raises her eyebrow- "so I pushed them apart-"

"-more like whacked them away from each other," Rukia mutters quietly, then smiles brightly at his shocked and soon annoyed face, "please, continue."

"Yes, Miss-Know-It-All," he says sarcastically; she slaps his arm lightly, "I swung them away from each other, which made the both of them pissed off and I ended up getting hit" -she laughs at the picture of a beat-up Ichigo; he scowls but gives into laughter as well, then clears his throat and continues- "Byakuya wouldn't really bother me as much except that he'd always come back to the dojo during a visit to stir up chaos." He chuckles then it stops and let the memories rush through his mind.

"It was troublesome."

She smiles knowingly, "It must've been."

Ichigo looks up.

"Yeah."

* * *

><p>Ichigo observes the nearing building that he expects is where she lives, it's a pearly white that matches herself and all its richness as expected of a Kuchiki, especially for a sister of Byakuya. He didn't think Byakuya would allow her to live anywhere else but the best places that she should have, whether it be the Kuchiki pride or because she's his sister- he thinks it's both.<p>

She passes it.

He stops and looks back at the building, then back at her again. Rukia turns and gives him a smirk, still walking forward.

"Are you going to stand around like a fool?"

Ichigo snaps out of his reverie and easily falls back at her side again, matching her stride, and then he actually looks ahead of him and notices a dark building ahead, not rich, not plain, certainly not below her, but it looks simply suspicious.

"Relax Ichigo," Rukia says with amusement, "the place isn't going to bite you."

"But...it's so..."

"Black and eerie?" Rukia says with a bored tone, "most people naturally hate the dark; for them, it represents the night, the fear, something no one wants to be in; light is what people generally prefer because it's bright, it's happy" -then she pauses and looks at him with a tilt of her head- "what do you think of the dark?"

He averts his eyes from her peering ones.

"Something not to be messed with."

They don't say much afterwards and instead, they enter the building silently, and Ichigo notices some shades of red, maybe white, but black-

-too much of it.

He hangs onto his conscience and is consumed by his thoughts that he doesn't notice that Rukia is patiently waiting for him to enter her room. When he's brought back consciously, Ichigo feels as if this is the first time he's facing reality with open eyes, no dodging, no hiding; his heart begins to beat faster, he doesn't know if it's out of fear or something else or maybe it's just both and everything and-

"Ichigo," she interrupts his frantic thoughts with a soft voice; he looks at her and is momentarily frozen to the spot by the sadness tinged in her eyes- the same one he'd seen she make on the roof, except that this time it was directed _at him_, "I'm not forcing you to come in. You have every right to leave-"

He boldly steps right into the room and turns back only to see her stiff form and the disbelief written across her face.

"Come on," Ichigo gruffly says, reaching out his hand.

She takes it and eases him into her world.

* * *

><p><span>Reply to Reviews:<span>

hopelessromantic: Thanks for liking my portrayal of their relationship! :D

appleschan: glad you like my style! :D

a/n: school got in the way so i delayed this chapter; at first I hated how school got in the way of making more time for my fanfic but making more time to edit a little more wasn't bad either so yay :D thanks for the reviews (and follows and favorites) y'all!

btw saying "kendo room" half the time is freaking bothering me; u guys have any idea what else to call it?


	9. try try again but this time with saving

Rukia leans over the couch and watches him with a pleased grin.

He's _finally_ sleeping.

They'd come into her room, done their homework, then she'd proceeded to push him outside (stop working you workalcoholic!) and take a short run; when the hour was over, she'd showered then tossed him some clothes for him to wear. Ichigo had given her a strange look that she'd simply said had been her brother's if he ever came over to visit; he'd laughed and commented that if it really had been Byakuya's clothes then she wouldn't have let him borrow it in the first place, but he took it anyways and showered as well. He came out fresh but tired; he'd been greeted with Rukia's cooking and proceeded to eat on her couch. Ichigo tried reading his book afterwards but instead collapsed into slumber.

So now he's on her couch, sleeping.

Rukia observes the weariness under his eyes where the dark circles are fading but still evident. He looks relaxed and comfortable unlike earlier when he'd been drowsy, more sleepy. She smiles at his obvious comfort and decides it was a good thing that he'd decided to come over today-

-although it truly was, and is, still nerve-wracking.

Then Rukia looks down at the clothes she'd given him to wear and stares. She'd been hesitant to give her such but she'd feel even worse if she'd left Ichigo in sweaty clothes, _and_ that would stink up her private place, and-

-him, he'd have wanted her to do this.

She looks at the clock and notices that it's seven, opens the curtains and the dark sky is forming; she bites her lip and looks down at Ichigo, paces around the room, and finally walks down the hall quietly and pulls a key out from her pocket and unlocks the door; she pauses again, looks down the hall and sees his still lying form. Comforted, she opens the door and takes a step into the room and closes the door behind her.

Rukia breathes in deeply and releases it, then she's on the edge of her tucked-in bed and looks against the wall, her eyes move to the corner and stops; she rigidly glues her feet there, forcing herself to breathe, steady, steady, steady, steady; she counts to five minutes as slow as she can, then rises and stares at it for a few more moments, then walks out of the room swiftly, shuts the door, and thrusts the key into the lock and locks it quickly.

"Rukia?"

She pivots and swings her fist with the key to the stomach but is stopped when another hand encloses it in place.

Silence.

A century seems to pass before she looks up. In the dark, Ichigo somehow sees the dark edges in her eyes combat with the light in them; in the dark, Rukia can clearly see his expression of fear but mostly concern, and then she spits out between her teeth,

"Step. away."

Ichigo's fear instantly disappears and his feet is glued to the floor; he watches her with determined eyes, a hand still locked between them, and instead of the unnerving feeling she expects from being watched so intently, she feels the tension slowly dissipate from her body, she closes her eyes, and feels the blood slow, then a tug towards him and she hears him say-

"It's ok."

Her heart beat slows down in her ears; she loosens the grip on the key, and opens her eyes.

Her eyes return to normal again.

He puts an arm around her shoulders and let's her lean against him.

* * *

><p><span>Reply to Reviews<span>

yuiyuki: Yay :D Aww, that's great to know! xD Yep! I'm doing my best! OMG, thank you for reminding me, I seriously forgot that word existed. At all. Agh, that's right, it's called dojo; now I'm going to go fix my old chapters to replace all those awkward "kendo room" with dojo. Well, hopefully you liked this chapter! :D

Guest: OOOKKKKKAAAYYYYY, but seriously, it was your review that got me to continue my draft, albeit short this chapter is. Usually I'm bothered by these kind of reviews but I'd admittedly lagged behind, so thank you :D

MizaroMotu: So true xD What's strange to me was that I'd already typed it out on my phone, but then somehow this stuff came out when I tried editing it on my computer...so yep, my brain changes on different devices.

a/n: Sorry if you got those annoying updated previous chapters when it was just me replacing "kendo room" with "dojo" xD hopefully this actual new chapter makes up for it; and _ugh_, that entire paragraph with past tense, so hard to transition back to ._.


	10. can't shut out fast enough

_Idiot_, he first mutters when she steps away in which he'd presumed meant she was under control, until he notices the blood flow from her hand slightly from clenching her hand too tightly, despite that she tries to hide it behind her back, _idiot._

And then he's tugging her arm to the couch and grabbing her shoulders, shaking her, _demanding_ her for the damn medical kit to which she points with her other hand; he races down the hall to the bathroom and pulls out the medical kit, then he's instantly back and snaps it open; when he takes out a bottle and uncaps it, he pauses as he stares down at the bottle, before taking her palm and carefully placing what's left of the medicine on. And during that entire time-

-they say nothing.

Despite his smooth, precise movements while he's treating the cuts in her hands, despite his strained efforts to keep himself calm, he knows she knows that the tension is rolling off in waves, and then he finishes tying the gauze and looks at her. She sees his eyebrows draw into themselves, his mouth spread into a taut, straight line, his tense stature, the rigid muscles in his cheekbones-

-and his _eyes._

The burning ferocity that is burning so bright for her _almost_ has her turn away, but instead she stares right back, and then he's finally seeing her, who's went through too much but wouldn't ask for anything else, who's tired of it all and wants to let go, but doesn't out of pride, who's weak, yet still refuses to step down; always, _always_ fighting.

He finally understands why she lives in the darkness.

Her bandaged hand squeezes his hands.

Ichigo holds her hand tightly.

* * *

><p>She wakes up.<p>

Rukia smells the waves of breakfast, then looks down at her hand- it's bandaged, she thinks, yesterday really happened, it really happened. And then she's dizzy with emotions that stun her and keep her on the bed, and then she smells the food again, stronger still.

_Ichigo_

She jumps out of bed and races down the hall again and into the kitchen with bed hair and all. He's standing there with the same clothes she'd given him the other night and then she snaps out of her reverie when he turns to notice her immovable form at the side of the door.

"Hey Rukia," he greets her with a grin (that doesn't quite fit him, she thinks), "I made some breakfast."

"...Ok," she replies, and numbly walks back to the bathroom and quietly shuts the door. She slides down from it and all her mind can think is-

-_what do I do now?_

And then the train of panicked thoughts take over and she can't stop it, she- she grits her teeth and forces herself up, grabs the sink and glares at herself in the mirror for five minutes, then proceeds to brush her teeth, take a quick shower, and put on some fresh but comfortable clothes.

When she's done she walks back down the hall, sits down on the chair, and quietly eats, then unable to stand the intense stare she receives she puts back down the silver chopsticks and finally looks back up at him with a stern look, "Ichigo, I'm _fine_," she emphasizes while flexing her hand.

"This happens often," he says in a matter-of-fact tone after observing how she hasn't flinched once from the pain, how she holds the chopsticks with practiced moves away from the targeted pain as if this happened before.

"Maybe, maybe not," Rukia replies curtly while still eating, and then her hand stops moving and she's looking up at him with warning in her eyes.

"Primarily from a doctor's point of view," Ichigo starts slowly, his hand still holding hers still, "this will make it take longer to heal; now from _my_" -he points to himself with his other hand- "point of view, you're being an idiot."

Rukia flicks his hand away with a dry look and returns back to her food, "Well _Doctor_ _Kurosaki_" -he twitches at the implication- "it will heal either way -specifically in a week- so there is absolutely no need to worry."

Then both are heatedly glowering at each other; Ichigo is the first to spit out,

"I. am. moving. in."

She stiffens and stares at him incredulously, "What?", and then the words hit her and she's up in her seat, "For the last time Ichigo, I'm-"

"Byakuya," he intercepts quietly, "he doesn't know this happens, does he."

Rukia holds her heated glare pointedly at him, and he swears the fumes are coming out of her ears and that she's trying to eat him alive with her eyes.

"You wouldn't _dare_-"

"I would," he says firmly, hands enclosed under his chin tightly, "I _will_ if I have to."

She assesses the cons and pros in her head quickly; three minutes later she lifts her hands off the table and she settles back into her chair, legs crossed, tea cup in hand, and smiles prettily.

"Fine."

Ichigo uneasily smiles back, "Well then-"

"You can move in," she continues in a harpy tone and crosses her arms and leans forward, "_next door_."

"What-"

"There's a door that connects from this room to that room, so if your ever-so-annoying protection crap is needed, you can step right across the door, of course only with _my_" -she flashes him a sickly smile- "permission, not yours, _mine_."

She looks over her teacup with sharp, impatient eyes that says, "_That should be enough_."

Ten minutes later, they're still having a heated battle of the eyes, and finally he shuts his eyes and sits back down.

"Fine," he relents, then looks at her straight in the eye, "but I can't guarantee I'll stay away with or without your permission if something like that happens again."

Rukia nods in acceptance, because she knows the feeling of wanting to protect, the _need_ to protect, better than most, much more than he'd ever realize, and she hopes that however small chance the door will protect him from her, however much she's doing her best to keep his persistent ass shut off, it'll be enough.

How naive the thought was.

* * *

><p>an: i finally wrote it. enjoy!

Reply to Reviews

yuiyuki: You're already awesome for reviewing, so being of help is five times awesome-er xD Thanks! I'm curious as well because I totally know where this story is going xD I'll definitely continue, don't worry about that :D

Guest: You didn't mess me up xD...or maybe you did (ehehe), but it was just 'cause I didn't want to look over it again and was doing the last touches to the last chapter, so I'm grateful you pointed it out so I could quickly fix that; thank you! I appreciate your enthusiasm for updates for this fanfic :)


	11. bravery, cowardly

It's after they finish their breakfast and their routine fights in Rukia's personal dojo that Ichigo asks if he can see the room first; she nods and they go out the door to the other, then he pauses and realizes that the entire condo is the Kuchiki's, except the Kuchiki wouldn't allow anyone with their name to stay in a place like this, albeit it is fancy but just not their quaint lifestyle. Then he realizes Byakuya must've been the one to do this, meaning this entire place is her own and no one but she and Byakuya and now he, knows she lives here.

It's then he instinctively feels that Byakuya must be more than protecting her, it's something more, and although he can guess a variety of factors, all of them seem like part reasons and part excuses and not the core one of it all.

"Ichigo," she calls him back-to-earth and she finds him looking at her with slight curiosity and slight frustration and she knows what he's thinking but she says nothing, "Open the door fool. We can't just stand here all day."

Then he's in his room and the first thing he notices-

-the entire room isn't black, just white.

"My room, I did it myself," Rukia explains, noting his confusion, "nothing here has been touched; do what you want with it."

"The entire condo is black though..." he says slowly, his mind still processing this info.

"Come on now Ichigo," she says exasperatedly, "you know Byakuya is the one who bought this place, something black is suited at night because it's less noticeable, in daylight then, logically, most stay away from it" -she pauses in thought- "unless you're not sane" -at this she looks pointedly at Ichigo; he only smirks- "so you still want to move in."

He looks around the room and realizes why Byakuya provided her the room, he imagines it had been white for her as well, a place where she could make it however she wanted for herself, not exactly healing or moving on, but dealing with it on her own terms on her pace; he can do the same as well, if it's here, and he finds himself slowly smiling at the prospect.

"Yeah."

* * *

><p>For the next three days, they're going about their routine days with some talk of him moving in and the rent and all those business negotiations that Rukia leads him through smoothly despite the complications and his lack of experience with this- obviously she's learned the ropes of the Kuchiki business very well that once he brings up that fact she pauses and smiles, not a full one but a real one at the very least, and says thank you; and Ichigo turns silent because based on her reaction, she'd hardly received one, maybe never; he doesn't realize he's seething openly until Rukia places a hand on his fist and he relaxes.<p>

A day later and Ichigo suddenly says that his family is anxious about him leaving despite not showing anything and he promises that he hasn't and never will tell them where he's living and where she's living and-

"I'll go meet your family," she interrupts firmly while changing in the dojo's closet, the sound echoing throughout the silent room and then she opens the door and he's gawking at her; she smirks, he shuts his mouth immediately. "just so you know, it's not for you."

The edge of his lip curls up, and then he says she isn't cute to which she replies with a smack from her shinai that sends him toppling over.

* * *

><p>The weekend arrives and she's standing in front of his house, it's plain and simple and she thinks it's quite nice, certainly normal, and then a spectrum is flying straight at her and she's pulled out of the way; the strange thing lands on the cement and springs right back up, she squints her eyes, is he <em>pouting<em>?

"Ichigooooo!" he rolls around the cement in fake pain, "how could you treat your father like this?! Did I teach you nothing about proper man-"

"Shut up!" Ichigo stomps on his father's face, "you're the one who was about to send Rukia flying into space! And this isn't how you normally greet people you insane old man!" Then they proceed to wrestle and then Ichigo is the first to stop; he gets up, his ears hardly believing that he's hearing a full-out laughter from _her_.

"S-sorry, it's too funny," Rukia covers her mouth with her hand, trying to smother it down; then Ichigo is there, holding her arm away from her mouth and the laughter dies in her throat, both stare at each other, one warm and the other a little confused.

Then Isshin springs up from the ground as if nothing happened and shakes her hand while she's still recovering from the fact that this man is Ichigo's, the scowling, abrasive, nonsensical, idiot -well that is what both of them have she admits- is related to this happy, over-excited man, and then she really looks at him and her heart stops beating.

_Isshin?_

The hand he's holding begins sweating, a shackle on her hand that puts her in place, her eyes are wide, and she knows they're watching and that Ichigo is calling her name and shaking her shoulders, but the handcuff, the binds, _everything_ is still there and she can't move, can't breathe, can't do anything, she can't, she can't, she _can't-_

-she runs.


	12. looking at the fog

Ichigo remembers every single detail of that night; Rukia's calm eyes during the kill, her tight grip, the dripping blood that slowly ran down her arm, dropped to the floor (which he cleaned up afterwards), the conscious returning to her eyes, her stiff form that relaxed into him, and the soft expression she makes when she sleeps and let's her guard down completely for once. No matter how much the result soothed him at the time, Ichigo can't get Rukia's calm eyes during the kill out of his head, and he thought that that was the fastest heartbeats he'd ever produced, but now, _now_-

-it's beyond that.

She's happy and laughing, indulging in herself, then in the next second her smile and laughter turn into wide eyes full of pure fear that looks at nothing but the object that's simultaneously stirring up all the emotions onto the surface and tearing off all the walls she'd built, and no matter what he says or does, she's still not looking at him, and _that_ scares the shit out of him, so when she runs off-

-he chases after her, instinctively.

* * *

><p>Rukia is running, focusing only on escaping from the now that's plaguing her conscience (and everything is rushing through her mind in a blur; the blood, the sword, the ice, the dead eyes, the faces, the yells, the cold, <em>everything<em>) and she just can't believe how stupid she is, how despite how much she'd wondered why Byakuya had kicked her out of the house (politely as usual), she'd agreed, believing it to be punishment and a suitable one at that, how she'd been able to get out and possibly escape, but then she meets Ichigo and now his father and everything is back, _everything is back_-

-Isshin is here, Isshin _Shiba_ is here.

The panic climbs higher and higher at the realization that her feet end up spinning down the hill like wheels that just won't stop, but then she's pulled backwards and stopped by an obstacle that will not leave, _will not let her get away_, and she hates this and remembers why: it was partly and selfishly why she'd refused for so long to say absolutely nothing to anyone, then Ichigo comes along and she's stoic enough at first to keep him at a distance, but _now_, now it's completely bizarre- he's too, too close, so she narrows her eyes and looks up at it, mouth open ready to spat out so much _hurt_ (that'd later hurt her too but she could deal with that, if it meant protecting him from the fact)-

-she stops, and freezes.

* * *

><p>Yet he's finding it hard to catch up, not knowing that she runs away this quickly, afraid of what's behind her, afraid of <em>something<em>, but before he can process all his thoughts together, he's already grabbed her arm and restrained her from running further away against the wall. His limbs and body cage her in and he's steadily forcing himself to look into her wide-eyed expression that shows she's _still_ not here.

Ichigo holds her by the shoulders and stares into her eyes without saying a word and still, she fears, itching to get away from it all, but then she looks, really looks, and sees the emotions stirring in his eyes, the enormous worry and pain and helplessness in them pulls all the pieces she let fall apart return back into place. Her dark violet color instantly takes over again, but with a new strength in them, and he remembers it from the first day she made him sleep despite how he'd been unable to, how she pulled him back onto the right axis when he'd felt empty, how similar the determination in her eyes are; but this one is something more, and he knows then she's reached something and that she's fine, but doesn't let go just yet.

* * *

><p>Rukia stares back at him and calms when she realizes what she set off in Ichigo's mind; the intensity of his emotions fade away with only a little left, still waiting and not letting her go yet. The more he waits, the more she can't pull back something that's pushing its way to the forefront of her mind-<p>

-half the battle is won (the rest stores itself away).

(Five years ago)

"Kuchiki," he calls out; silence, "KUCHIKI, don't ignore your seniors!"

"W-what? I mean yes sir," she scrambles for words as she's groggily forcing herself awake during the middle of the night, "Is something wrong?"

"D'you remember that boy I talked about a few weeks ago?" Rukia groans internally, knowing she was going to hear the same joyful talk about his supposedly favorite nephew in the entire universe.

"_Of course_, you talked about him just yesterday," she replies with exasperation, then frowns, "are you telling me I'm that young? He's the same age as me."

"I'll forever view you guys as kids," he chuckles, and she joins in as well because it's what he does, draw people in to his pace, "ever since he's lost his mother, he hardly smiles, and that's freakin' unhealthy for his age; sometimes I think he takes life a little too hard, just like you," -he complains with a dramatic gesture of his hands- "always so serious! You guys need to enjoy life, even if it's just a little!

"I apologize, sir, but I am sincerely fine with where I am now; honestly though," she says respectfully, "with you around, it's hard to imagine a quiet, frowning boy that rarely smiles, so I imagine you cheer him up with your natural egoistic self, so I believe he's in good hands, don't you think?"

"Of _course_ he is," he agrees, "I am an awesome person to look up to y'know! I take care of your ass when you wouldn't tell me what's wrong and barge straight into business that _you should've told me years ago_" -she's about to protest (it was only one year!) but he ignores that and continues- "and I take care of that kid just so he can smile- you know what, when we go back, I'm introducing you to that kid so that you guys can make each other happy, and maybe then I can finally live a life of comfort without brats."

She laughs, because she knows exactly that that kind of life isn't what he wants and imagining it is ridiculous; "Fine, I'll go back with you to see him since you _always_ talk about him, must be special."

"Of course I do! He's my freakin' baby nephew! Heck his name is cute too, like strawberries!"

She snaps, "For god's sake, he's fourteen already, _fourteen! _I'm the same age as well, which means you're calling me a baby _sir_!"

The banter goes on.

(Rukia never got to see him.)

She snaps out of her reverie and let's it sink in.

"Ichigo Shiba," she slips the words out and Ichigo is springing back as if burned from flames. Rukia, still in awe, walks over to him and grabs his face with both hands, and remembers memories of when he showed her photos of his nephew and gushed about it as if it were _his_ son. She should've known, no, she _had_ known (unconsciously) that it was him; out of selfishness, she didn't want the memories to resurface, so she crushed it, thus blinding herself to the obvious fact that this was _him_.

"How?" his voice shakes her back to reality, "How the hell" -he shakes his head at the situation at hand then is back at it again- "how the _fuck_ do you know that name?"

She leans against the wall, "The Kuchiki and the Shiba have known each other for so long due to high status; I met your family before due to meetings and formal parties, but then your dad left the entire Shiba clan, and the rest of it disintegrated" -she pauses and looks down hiding her face, then looks at him again, normally- "and since then, we haven't heard from your family" -she stares at him in disbelief- "but now...I know."

The silence settles in, giving the both of them more time to think and let the situation firmly embed in their minds. Then she walks over to him and puts a hand out in front of him, and he realizes then he's still flat out sitting on the cement.

He looks up at her, and thinks that despite some things that she obviously still isn't telling him, the trust is still on her face, has no judgment despite _knowing_ that he is in fact a Shiba, and decides to leave the questions alone.

He takes her hand.

* * *

><p>an: feeling dead tired =_=" if u guys know who the guy is pm me 'cause I'm curious to know what your thoughts are (no, i won't be confirming anything but do it anyway)! xD

thanks to you guys: hopelessromantic, yuiyuki, Vivienne IForgot My Name, and eannseachel for reviewing the previous two chapters! :D It means a lot to me and especially got me to keep writing the past few days.

and for the rest of you silent readers, favoriters, and followers, thank you as well :D

Reply to Reviews

hopelessromantic: well, now you kinda know! :D hopefully xD i'm pretty sure I put out enough hints out there.

yuiyuki: it might get interesting (hehehe :3) i think this chapter kind of hints towards why now for you, hopefully xD awww you thought that was cute? :D yay!


	13. dive 'til you hit a wall, then punch it

a/n: longest chapter yet xD take breaks if ya need to

fyi: karin and yuzu here are middle-school-age students like in the current manga

* * *

><p>Isshin waits patiently, expectantly, and wonders how this girl managed to make his son look like <em>that<em>, the face that looks so alive and human, and he knows then, that he's doing the right thing by letting Ichigo go. Now he just needs-

-he sees her.

She comes close and holds out a hand first, something he didn't think she'd be capable of after so _long_, he looks into her eyes and finds what he was looking for. He grins, and shakes her hand.

"Nice to see you again, Rukia."

"Yes," she says firmly, "it's been a long time. I apolo-"

"Rukiaaaaa," he squeals and pulls her into a comically tight hug, "it's been so long! You should've seen me sooner daughter-in-law!"

She pushes him off and sputters, "What? I'm certainly not your daughter-in-law."

Isshin blinks, "You guys _are_ going to get marri-"

He spins off into thin air before Ichigo can even try to get close and kick his dad's face in; Ichigo watches her slightly heaving and red face and grins-

-he didn't have to worry anymore.

* * *

><p>Exactly an hour later, after festering over old arguments and cooing over pictures of a younger version of Ichigo ("what <em>happened<em>?" Rukia asks innocently as she looks over to a scowling Ichigo; he glares back, and Isshin punches him in the face- "Have you no manners?), Yuzu immediately suggests that she should stay for dinner, and after much insistence she does (because who could possibly resist those doe eyes?). Karin acknowledges her, who kicked her dad's idiocy without panicking and fainting like many others, but is somewhat excited as to what'll happen with her around.

And so they're eating pleasantly, Ichigo looks up and finds himself satisfied with the genuinely happy grin on her face as she converses with the sisters; a few minutes later, he almost chokes on his water.

"_You like Chappy?_"

"Yes," she blinks in surprise, "I'm not surprised someone of your caliber couldn't understand such things."

"Of course I don't!" he exclaims, "that stuff is for two-year-olds!"

"Ichigo," Isshin starts off sternly, and that immediately catches Ichigo's attention, because a stern Isshin is a rare one, "you mustn't be like that. Women and men both need their weirdness, or otherwise their grandchildren just wouldn't be interesting, especially during pregnancy-"

And then Ichigo is up and about to fight again, but then his stomach feels like it's been hit by a million bokkens and he lands back down on his chair with a thud; he looks over and finds Rukia smirking at him; she mouths 'revenge' and resumes eating.

Needless to say, Ichigo is seething; Isshin is gloating and saying how lucky he is to have Rukia as his daughter-in-law (to which he gets a punch from both concerning sides); Karin is laughing (anyone who can stop the idiots from fighting is a big plus in her book); Yuzu is concerned (but secretly giggling on the inside because she'd wanted to do that after Ichigo didn't praise her in her brand new uniform and instead remarked that her side-zipper was off).

* * *

><p>Rukia insists on helping Yuzu wash the dishes and gets her way easily; Yuzu raises an eyebrow at why Karin would want to help since she isn't on cleaning duty but doesn't say anything; Rukia washes them, Yuzu dries them, Karin files them away into a cabinet.<p>

"Are you here to take Ichigo away?" Karin asks suddenly as she files away a dish into a cabinet. Rukia stops washing and stares at the plate in hand. Yuzu scolds her for being so rude to a guest, but Rukia appeases her and she answers-

"No, he decided it himself; I only made him separate our rooms. After all, I can't let him get everything he wants or his ego will inflate more than it needs to be" -they laugh at this- "I promise you he'll visit you every week- I'll drag his ass over if he doesn't."

All of them laugh at the ridiculous yet probable image of such and resume their duties. Then-

"I haven't seen Ichigo this alive since you've come around," Karin remarks; Yuzu affirms with a "mmhm!", "so I'm really glad that he's doing something for himself for once."

"I'm really, really happy too!" Yuzu exclaims, "I mean, it's so rare to see our nii-san be himself, much less smiling, and..." She trails off and the corners of her mouth turn down; she quickly looks down; Karin does the same.

"I'm not here to take your brother away," Rukia says quietly; both turn to look at her, who puts down the plate, dries her hands, and places herself where both can see and listen to her; she looks at them with empathy, "He'll always be your brother no matter where he goes, and it's the same with you two- that is the bond a family has."

"I know," Yuzu says with a frustrated tone, "I know, but even so...I just..."

"She's worried," Karin answers in her place with a flat tone, "she can't help it- it's a mother complex."

"I am not!" Yuzu protests angrily, remembering when Ichigo had announced out of nowhere that he was leaving, and she was so stunned by the news that her selfishness and motherly side nearly cried out, but her happy side saved her from saying something detrimental and she'd instead smiled and sparkled; and now the pain is seeping through after the exterior is torn, "you're the one worried about him all the time you-"

"Yuzu." She looks down at the hand on her arm and looks up to see Rukia's certainty written on her face. "He won't die early."

"But-"

"Trust me on this," she takes their hands and grips them tightly, "I won't let him die, not under my watch." -she hardens her resolve in her eyes- "I promise you."

"...thanks," Karin says quietly. Rukia brings them to a hug and they break down, quietly. Yuzu muffles her cries and tightens her grip on Rukia's sleeve, "I just can't stand losing someone again."

"I know," Rukia says quietly and finds her own eyes glistening with tears.

She doesn't let them spill.

* * *

><p>Night comes quickly and the entire Kurosaki family (except Ichigo because he just <em>knows<em> his _stupid_ father) is infatuated with her that they persuade her into staying the night with them. Isshin tries to get her to sleep with Ichigo (_I need grandbabies!_), but fails to; Karin and Yuzu let her sleep with them, and she borrows her pajamas because it fits (and it has rabbits over them, Ichigo points out; she glares).

.

..

..

...

...

Rukia opens her eyes, panting and intakes gulps of air. She faintly notes Karin and Yuzu who are sleeping around her, and quietly eases herself away, changes into her regular clothes (because she knows at this point it's hopeless to try and fall back asleep), and goes down the stairs and into the kitchen without making a sound. Remembering Yuzu's movements, she imitates them and took out a water bottle and drank it herself; a cup goes down on the table, she swivels her head to find Isshin watching her at the couch; he gestures to the seat in front of him; she sits.

"Nightmares," Isshin doesn't ask but she affirms with a nod anyway, "figures, Ichigo has them too sometimes, but somehow it got less a few weeks ago. How is it that you're able to avoid dark circles under your eyes?" She sips her water without looking at him, and puts it down.

"I'm sorry," she starts, "my actions earlier are of no excuse."

There's a long pause, and then-

"That isn't what you want to apologize for is it?"

"No," she says after a moment and looks up at him, "but no matter what I say I can't bring him back, apologizing won't bring him back, and no matter how many times I say the same words like four years ago, I can't do it now, because it just isn't enough."

"I know," he puts down his cup, "but I want you to understand something" -he carefully looks into her eyes to make sure she's paying attention- "I never blamed you." Rukia stares at him disbelievingly. "He chose to take that path, because you were like close siblings, and I respect that." Then, "It was my fault" -he puts a hand up to stop her torrent of arguments; she quiets- "I could've saved him, but I didn't because I blindly believed he could handle it, I really did, and I let him die."

Rukia says nothing, then, "I understand. I'm sorry that your son" -she clears her throat- "got caught up in my mess, but this time around" -she focuses her eyes to face his- "I can promise you your son won't die, not on my watch."

"You mean to do that you won't let him in," Isshin corrects; she looks away, "it won't work."

And she knows it; she remembers back when the Shiba clan wanted to butt into her situation, and that it was only until he was in it that the rest dissipated because they were so fucking confident in him, and so was she.

"My stubbornness will keep him away from the foreseeable future for a while, and when the time's right," she pauses, "what he does is his choice and I won't interfere with that, but I still won't let him die."

"I know," he assures her, "I know you won't" -he looks her in the eye- "I'm confident that he'll be more than fine under your watch, but I doubt that idiot son of mine could die anyways 'cause he's _my_ son."

Rukia laughs at the obvious lie and comical intent, and doesn't bother to comment that she thought the same way once before, and that got him dead.

"You still don't understand do you," she chuckles; he raises an eyebrow, "the one whose been doing the saving is him, not me."

Isshin shakes his head, "Both of you have been a wreck. Ichigo still lives, but emptily, as for you" -she averts her eyes- "I'm extremely worried, because like him, you refuse to be taken care of, but even more worrisome is not only is there _no one with you_ in that reality- I know your strength but with Ichigo I'll be more at ease, _he'll_" -she flinches slightly- "be more at ease; but with Ichigo, as you've seen" -she snorts (_seeing my ass._)- "he's persistent in that area, so him moving in with you will be good for the both of you."

"Kurosaki-san," she puts down her bottle, "it's not that I'm forced in that reality; I choose to live in that reality and I will, for the rest of my life-"

"Don't face it alone," Isshin interrupts, "don't do that, no matter what." And she knows what he says holds truth, she knows it, because it's exactly the problem as before but this and that are _different_, she can get through it this time with her level of strength, she narrows her eyes-

"No matter how many lives I have to take?" she says bitterly and he's silent for a moment.

"I'm taking a gamble, albeit a dangerous one" -he adds quickly after Rukia eyes him with disgust- "I believe that Ichigo is taking a step in the right direction, because you put away the dead look in his eyes he had constantly before you came. Clearly, the more he interacts with you, the more happier he'll be. It's what I want" -his face looks far away- "it's what Masaki wants."

Rukia stares at the wall behind him; it's these times that she wants sake, but she knows everything would roll downhill from there, so instead she gulps down the water 'til it's empty and crushes it.

"Maybe," she admits reluctantly because she won't let her worries interfere with his will completely but she still fears for his life. Both let the subject go.

Then the idea she tried to push away earlier during her escapade slowly settles in and a part of her is still denying it because to her it's impossible, but after Ichigo she's beginning to realize that maybe, just maybe, it's not.

"Isshin?"

"Yes?"

"How did you know I was here?" no answer, then, "Did my brother tell you that I was returning to Karakura town?" she pronounces each word carefully, slowly, because she's dreading but hoping at the same time; her heart pounds at the top of her throat.

Isshin smiles and her heart flies in hope, "Perceptive as usual- he did."

His answer washes over her, and she looks down, a hand over her mouth with the other tightening on her knee, choking back a sob that's about to escape, with eyes shut tightly; she finally understands why her brother sent her out here; at one hand she's happy that it isn't due to disappointment with the lack of Kuchiki within her but on the other hand, she's mortified because he wants her to face her fears, but more than that, more than anything-

-_he believes in her despite everything_.

Rukia tightens the water bottle in her hand and swears-

-she won't let her brother down, not this time.

Rukia looks back up with determination and Isshin sees it again, a flaring determination in her eyes that pulls him into the fire and he thinks this flame is what draws Ichigo in and what he's trying to protect.

"Thank you."

* * *

><p>an: if you read from top to beginning, thank you very much! :D

Reply to Reviews

yuiyuki: your welcome xD Thanks for giving me the slight insight of the fanfic :D oh lol, xD, don't worry I'm still figuring it out as well. YAY! I did a good cliffhanger? oh wow, thanks (I tend to just let it end where I feel like it xD)!

hopelessromantic: yep! more connections between them :]

vicjoen: thanks for letting me know what you're (kinda) thinking :D


	14. one step at a time

update2: this time I changed "ruki-nii" to "rukia-chan" 'cause ruki-nee just didn't sound right in my head even if that's the correct term; at any rate, thanks yuiyuki and PetalMedic for the help :D

* * *

><p>Ichigo wakes up and finds himself on the floor with his blanket; he gets up and feels that something is amiss, because somehow he's awake before anything hits- oh, he realizes, his old man. Then he's panicking weirdly enough and rushes down the stairs and stops- <em>he was still sleeping? on the couch?<em> Then he looks to the side and finds Rukia on the other couch as well, lying back with crossed arms and legs; he just stands there, gawking.

"You can stop it now Ichigo." He stiffens and finds himself under one amused dark purple eye and smirk. She gets up and explains, "your father and I were talking about some things, and it got so late that we ended up falling asleep during the middle of it."

"Wha-" Rukia puts a finger on his lips and shakes her head, pointing to the still sleeping one on the couch. They quietly go to the kitchen and eat. Ichigo takes a look at her and notes that she's already dressed and ready-to-go.

"Why are you dressed up?" he asks curiously.

"I went to buy ingredients," Ichigo nearly argues that she's allowed to use Yuzu's ingredients because Rukia is basically part of their family after yesterday, but then she looks at him and shakes her head slowly because everyone is still sleeping; he bites his lip and decides to save the argument for later, "then I cooked breakfast," she continues, gesturing to the food in front of them; she fills his bowl with rice and hands it to him, "Want one?"

"Thanks." He takes it and sits; both eat, one conservative and the other normally. Ichigo puts down his chopsticks and stares at the food in front of him, then, tentatively, "Um, Rukia?"

"Hmm?" she asks, already watching him with inquiring eyes; Ichigo keeps his stare down at the table, and she notes the somewhat tense form, but not the type where people become nervous or afraid, but...embarrassed?

"For yesterday...thanks for consoling them," Ichigo runs his hand through his hair, "I'm just not good at that stuff."

"Idiot," she chides, "you would've done so if you'd noticed regardless. I just happened to be there at the right time and place."

It's silence again, then-

"I didn't know." He says quietly, pain etched in the tone as he remembers his sisters breaking down that nearly tore his heart open as he thinks about how during the past few days he'd never noticed, and hates that they had to put up a happy mask, because he knows it's painful, and it hurts. Ichigo grits his teeth as he thinks about how he'd been so blinded by his own thoughts that he hadn't consider the two. Rukia waits quietly, his head still down.

"I've failed them as a brother."

"You haven't," she states quietly, "you've been protecting them haven't you? That's how you perceive a brother should be and you've fulfilled that part; but now that you're faced with a part of your incompetence as a brother, you're going to sulk and despair despite having the ability to make up for your mistakes?" her commanding question forces him to look, and he senses then, palpable, but smothered, fury, "You changed yourself when you were very young to protect them officially, and you succeeded despite the odds. This matter can't possibly deter you from succeeding to be your ideal image of a brother, can it?"

The rhetorical question lingers in the air, then Ichigo is smirking.

"Of course not."

She returns it as well and they resume eating.

"Besides," she adds, "they've matured well enough to see you off; it's not as if they're weak. It's just that yesterday they were running high with emotions, specifically about the brother that seems to always worry people," he protests, she laughs quietly; then, she says, "Thank goodness they didn't turn out like Isshin."

He laughs; she wipes her hands, then stands up, washes the bowls, returns to the table, and drums her hand against it, relaxed.

"Now, I'm just waiting for a sign."

"A sign?" Ichigo asks incredulously.

"Yep," she says casually and moves back and to the left, and in the next second, Ichigo is slammed into the counter with Isshin sprawling on top. They scramble into a routine wrestle match and she delicately eats her breakfast like the Kuchiki she is. After five minutes she whacks both of their heads as the sisters come to the kitchen.

"Good morning guys!" Yuzu exclaims cheerily then glances at her curiously, "where were you?"

"I woke up early and cooked some breakfast," Rukia explains, handing her a bowl of rice.

"But all of the stuff are still here," Yuzu frowns as she looks into the refrigerator, "Rukia-chan, you can use what we have; you're practically our family now."

Seeing the blatant hurt on her face, Rukia gives her an apologetic smile and sheepishly says she will next time, and ignores Ichigo's face that gloats with satisfaction: _I told you_.

"But thank you Rukia-chan! The food is wonderful!" Yuzu hugs her joyfully, and it's a second later she returns the hug. Rukia wonders when the last time she'd ever received one then her mind wanders off to that night when Ichigo had caught her in her vulnerable moment and she immediately pushes the thought away, out of embarrassment or hatred- she doesn't really know.

Needless to say, they have a normal breakfast- normal, meaning that the two still fight while Rukia controls the two when it gets too far ("do these idiots never learn?" Karin asks incredulously; Rukia merely laughs and says it's to be expected). Ichigo is done first as usual and sent up the stairs, and then there's a scramble of feet running down the stairs and straight into the kitchen again; his eyes are wide.

"Why the hell are all my things packed up?" he asks, then adds, "Who?"

"I did," Isshin says, "You're moving out today."

"_Today?_" Ichigo sputters, "But why-"

"Ichigo," Isshin puts down his chopsticks and looks at him directly in the eye, "I want you out of here."

Yuzu gasps and Karin stands up to strangle her goddamn _idiot_ father but she's forced down again by Rukia, her hand on her shoulder, and the other soothing Yuzu whose shaking. Rukia looks at Karin's outraged face with her own determination; she quiets.

"You've been mulling around even more ever since his death" -everyone but Isshin flinches- "we all feel the loss, but you've been at it for years no matter how much you try to pretend you don't feel that way. It's pathetic, and you know it, so you decided to move out to find yourself. The faster you're out of here, the faster you'll return to us as you want to be."

Isshin looks at him, and it's then Ichigo is able to comprehend: he believes in him.

"Go."

Rukia exhales in relief at the sight, knowing then she's made the right choice and feels the sisters calm and eat again; because his lips close into a taut line, his back is straighter, and the confidence is imminent.

"Yeah, thanks Dad."

* * *

><p>Yuzu gives him a tight hug with a few sniffles that makes Ichigo's heart warm and Karin merely smirks at him and says he'd better treat Rukia right or face the fist of the entire family (Isshin seconded); he merely scoffs and says as if he'd treat her any different. Then they all gather around Rukia and she's glowing, he shakes his hand at the cliche thought, with something like warmth and happiness.<p>

Then they're off and Rukia is standing ahead of him with nothing in her hand and him carrying his stuff, not that he's complaining. Rukia remembers Isshin's words: "the faster you're out of here, the faster you'll return" and wonders just how detrimental it was to have a zombie around the lively family that unintentionally smothered them, and thinks that maybe it was the same with her and Byakuya.

"What are you cracking a smile for?"

She looks at him, "I'm just thinking that Isshin and Byakuya are very similar, and sneaky."

He snorts, "Maybe, but they're still completely different; Dad's more high and Byakuya is just...terse, all the freaking time. I don't get how he keeps that mask up all the time."

"It's a special gift from being raised by the Kuchiki," Rukia says dryly, "Around them, it's the only way to handle them, especially the elders."

"Aw," Ichigo says, "I remember, I always hated those parties when they came. They dampened the mood all the time."

"As if," she says with disbelief, "you baffled them with your recklessness and bluntness and took advantage of that" -she takes a glance at him, amused- "in that respect, you've hardly changed, except that you're less cuter than before."

"Shut up," he grumbles; she chuckles.

It's a quiet, compatible silence as they're walking towards her place, _his_ place he adds- only a few more blocks until they're there. She looks over to the small luggage he's carrying and let's the feeling sink in, that he really is moving in, with her, officially, with Isshin's consent. They reach the place, and every step she and he takes feels as if it's something new, as if it's their first time entering the doors and climbing up the stairs to his and her place.

It's a strange, but not unwelcome, feeling.

They're at the hallway and she inhales and looks at him, "Looks like we'll be...neighbors from now on."

"Yeah," he says blankly, then he notes the hand stretched out to him and looks back up at her, questioning.

"Kuchiki Rukia," she states solidly, "I trust you'll enjoy your stay."

He blinks, and then thoughts swirl as he debates on how he wants to address himself to her. She knows he's a 'Shiba', so it wouldn't matter if he says 'Shiba', which he'd been for fourteen years, but then for three years, he'd been a 'Kurosaki', and maybe he'd been a dull person as him, but that doesn't mean he could toss it away because he _had_, admittedly, made memories. Ichigo looks at her and thinks he won't hide either side from her, so-

-he shakes her hand firmly, "Shiba-Kurosaki Ichigo. I will, definitely."

Rukia lingers and gives his hand a tight squeeze before entering her room and leaves him to himself.

Ichigo stands there for a moment, and with the same hand that she'd given him courage with, opens the door, and his heart pounds; he goes in and the same feeling swims through him again, except this time it's official, _real_; he closes the door behind him and leans against the door, reveling in the sensation.

Then he shifts his luggage to the middle of the room.

He starts unpacking.

* * *

><p>an: wells, usually I have a follow-up on what i'm going to write after this; this one: none, so the next chapter is probably going to take a while. thanks for the review/fav/follow; read and review! :D

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Winter Knight: Thank you, and I will :]


	15. unveiling unwillingly

Three, maybe four, days pass and Ichigo adds a little more color to it each time with his own, the basic needs to live in society; and it's very peaceful, he thinks, very, yet something keeps him on edge. He stares once more at his white blank walls, but still cannot find what his problem is, so he broods, hands crossed, tight mouth, stern posture, furrowed eyebrows, and he thinks so hard that his stomach complains loudly; so he lets go and eats the simple bento that he brought from the store. It's bland, he thinks, nothing at all compared to Yuzu's cooking.

After awhile, it gets to the point that Ichigo can't ignore the faint feelings of nostalgia and acknowledges that he's struggling to live here; he misses Yuzu for the cleaning, the cooking, her bright happiness that glows the entire room; Karin for her sarcasm and somewhat quiet, peaceful presence; Isshin for his loud, enthusiastic behavior that was once chaotic and annoying- and it still _is_, but less, much less. Once he'd been consumed with his thoughts that Rukia had to enter his room to snap him out of his forlorn thoughts; when he looks up and sees an encouraging look, he knows then that this a part of the process, so he doesn't push the thoughts out or dwell on it often. A balance.

A first step, he thinks.

Ichigo is eventually forced to learn how to cook (he couldn't keep spending his money away to buy food), so he gets Rukia to teach him (or rather he tries to cook first obviously and the burnt smell is so strong that she barges in without question and helps him clean up while teasing him along the way and she declares she had to help his stupid ass- as long as he didn't touch her kitchen because she didn't want it ruined by fools, she explains with an innocent smile and they banter again). So then she starts teaching, and he thinks how she does it, not too strict, not too nice, just right- identical to how she subtly trains him with moves everyday in the dojo, be it at school or at home. He's gotten better undeniably, and he's feeling much more comfortable now, but still, he frowns, something is off from all of this, and he's not quite sure why.

Again, he's brooding in the middle of the room, with the furrows in his brows, the grim, straight line across his mouth, the serious aura he exhibits, people would flee without question. But of course, Rukia is Rukia, so she strolls right into his room like she owns it (and she _does_, kind of); he just stands there, still brooding, but vaguely aware of her presence.

Frustration hits him this time and he instead watches her look around his room, and finds her a little different from his, her eyes prying from his room as if searching for something.

Then Rukia flops down on his chair and declares that Ichigo needs help with his project since it looks so lame; he rolls his eyes and let's her do what she wants, rolling on his chair with it in her hands. It isn't until a few hours later that she speaks up-

-"These...you wrote these?"

He rises from his thoughts, looks at her, and raises an eyebrow, noticing how she's merely a foot from him, genuinely surprised. "Yeah?"

She doesn't respond, and he watches her eyes move across it, the hands that hold it delicately without wrinkling them, how her eyes flash with a subtle emotion here and there, and now, he wonders how significant it could be to grab her attention (most of her attention went to Chappy he learns, hearing her television across his room). A few more pages turn and he's back: Rukia announces that she has to go deal with the Kuchiki business first so he has to tell her what she misses from each class, nonchalantly, Ichigo asks what it is, she snorts and casually brushes off with "the usual", and they depart in different paths; forward and: the instructor turned the lights off, pulled the curtains until every bit of daylight was replaced with darkness, all so that they could watch some shitty video, and-

-it'd been dark.

He fidgets.

When the bright screen of the television turned on, its artificial light missed him, who was too far from it and extremely close to the window where the curtains were now, and the consuming darkness brought a hand towards a pencil, a paper, and with a flick of a wrist, a resounding crack, and then it moves from left to right systematically, words formed on paper after paper after paper- unable to stop, not in that moment, not in that vortex of consuming _hatred_; where eyes burned bright in the dark, how the cramp that began forming in a hand only brought more anger. As paper after paper is flipped, uneasiness spreads through him instinctively; the feeling of invulnerability is something he doesn't experience often that he finds himself fidgeting some more; when she shifts her eyes to his, he flinches, she softens her gaze, rises, and hands him back it.

"It's good that you can let your grief out. I hadn't expected a numbskull like you to have one, if at all really," he shoots her a dry look, she chuckles, quiets, then, "You despise those without a sanity to hold them in place from committing unforgivable acts," Rukia taps her fingers softly on the table with an inconceivable look.

"Always." She whispers, her fingers still drumming quietly against his desk, "always."

Ichigo looks away from her and out the small window, the clouds move slowly from right to left, and he remembers how he'd lie on his back on the grass with him and just talk. His uncle had started this, and at the time, he'd personally thought it was ridiculous, at first, but they'd talk away about the big things, the future, everything, and one time after months, he lies down again, and he'd realized...the sky is vast.

Just like now.

He looks around the blank room, and the sky blends in with it; nostalgia runs through him and the wind is going breezing through his hair, the grass brushes his lying body, and loud, welcoming laughs rings in his ears, days of waiting turns to weeks, months, _years_, and he tries again, lying on the grass, alone; but the sensations aren't the same.

(It still isn't.)

The sadness morphs into a flaming infuriation, a fraction of his anger unveils slowly, and he remembers how he never saw him again, how someone took him away from him, and he envisions how he'll bring him to the grave when the chance is up that he almost smirks.

Oh he _will_.

Rukia pretends she doesn't hear the words in his silence.

* * *

><p>She wakes up, sweating, feeling a physical hurt in her heart, choking at memories, <em>feelings<em>, and the blackness of her walls are not helping but rather consuming her thoughts as it spirals downwards, but the wall stands firmly in place no matter how many blows it may receive, it stands. But instead, the sick, familiar, grotesque feeling seeps through the cracks in the wall, and her blood rages again, her heart pumps a thousand times faster than what it should, normally. With what's left of her little conscience, she thinks, that it's been awhile since she felt this way, and through the red, she gets up, puts on her shoes (she never wore pajamas to sleep), and opens the door from her room. Rukia looks down the hall and knows that Ichigo is sleeping blissfully in a haven beyond the shut door that is glaring at her, _glaring_.

She tears her eyes away and quietly steps forward to the entry and slips out without making a sound. The cool breezy air washes over her; she looks up and sees the moon; a bitter smile forms on her lips-

-she walks off.

Ten minutes go by and her hard footsteps along the sidewalk begin to soothe the raging emotions within her as she walks again, and again, and again. She then breathes in the cold air and exhales; her soft footsteps turn silent, and her heartbeat dulls until she can no longer hear it within her ears and everything is peaceful again, except-

-the pain.

She closes her eyes, inhale, exhale, in, out, in, out- and returns to a younger, much, much younger girl, when days were simple, lighthearted: Hisana smiles gently when she finished a performance for the Kuchiki; Byakuya gives more frequent smiles, one or two; Renji brashly laughs out loud; but now-

-she opens her eyes, and the memories fade away.

(for now)

* * *

><p>And then it happens again, a second time in a row, and Rukia is perplexed; usually the dreams came a few times per month, not twice in a week. She does the same thing again, but finds herself unable to relax like last time; a couple of walks later and she still can't hold off the heavy feeling. She bites her lip and nods to herself, then runs. She doesn't stop until she sees the trees within sight and she disappears within it.<p>

Rukia shuts her eyes and breathes in the fresh, crisp air that only nature can produce, and the memories try coming back in but they hit a wall and stay there. She opens her eyes and stands there, thinking-

_It's been years._ She can feel the hurt oozing from behind her and the guilt swallows her whole, but she shakes her head, unable to delve in deeper. _Sorry_.

Silence, a peaceful one, falls and she relaxes, her brain shutting off from everything but focusing upon the now, temporary peace, and sits, her arms on her knees, her chin on top of them-

-she waits.

* * *

><p>When she walks back for the third time that week, she stops for the first time, because today, the light is looming brightly from his room, not the usual dull light that he turns on every night, but a bright one, and she knows that he knows. Rukia takes a deep breath and heads towards the building and up the stairs and into her room, quietly. Seeing nothing is out of place in her room, she heaves a sigh of relief and heads her way to her room.<p>

"Hey."

Rukia turns expectantly, slowly, dread creeping up her veins, and she dares not to look at him, who is leaning against the doorway and hasn't taken a step into her room that brightens a little because of his room's light. "Yes?"

"You forgot this," he tosses her her textbook; she catches it back-handedly, brings it to her face and looks down at it, and realizes it's the one she'd left behind yesterday -now is four a.m. she knows instinctively, not needing to check the time (she'd done this so, so many times before when she was much, much weaker)- at his room when he had to borrow it since he left his at school, and curses herself for forgetting; her heart pounds in her throat, her palms sweat that the textbook is in danger of dropping to the floor as she waits anxiously, still not facing him.

"Before," Ichigo starts hesitantly, his reluctant, quiet voice barely reaching her ears, "before...I did the same."

"No," Rukia says softly in the midst of silence, "not quite."

"Really," he states flatly. She turns at the tone of his voice and he sees the pain that's too discreet in her eyes today, and he's brought back to how he was- _is_, he corrects grudgingly, opening another door for himself with reluctance. Difference now is he avoids it as much as he can; she doesn't, clearly, he thinks as he looks around her dark, black room, noticing it more than the first time (it'd been brighter then with more daylight, and...he stares at her); and he thinks then that maybe there's more differences between them then he can make out of right now, and her eyes confirm it to be so.

"Yes." She says, looking behind him, with the entire room lit with brightness that the stark white emphasizes even more, contrasting her own entirely, then returns to look into his own eyes that also take in her dark room then looks at her, a dull fear echoing in his eyes; she remembers how much hatred had covered that fear out completely earlier, and smiles sadly. She walks closer and reaches for the doorknob, shutting out the light.

"Rukia." She stops midway and bites her lip, resisting the urge to shut the door once and for all.

"Yes?" she asks, barely keeping the strained tone out of her voice as her heart beats impatiently.

"Do you know how he died?" he asks lowly, as if half-anticipating and half-dreading her answer.

The question drops like a miniature bomb between the two and tension builds in the air; she grips the doorknob harder and breathes heavily, inhale, exhale, and strangles to bring the word out of her mouth- then she stops breathing altogether and looks down to confirm that his hand is on her tight one.

"Sorry," he says quietly from his side of the door, his thumb soothing her knuckles.

"It's fine," Rukia says numbly, unable to loosen her hard grip on the doorknob; instead she tightens her hold on it further and grits her teeth, forcing the pain back.

"It's fine," she repeats more firmly, and this time he let's go of her hand.

She shuts the door.

* * *

><p>an: had major issues with this one, and omg, this is _depressing_. i think next chapter will be more positive...

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appleschan: thanks :]

yuiyuki: hahaha, thank you very much :D Ohh, so that's the correct Japanese terms; when I heard what 'nee' really sounded like though; i just couldn't imagine them saying that so I had to change it to Rukia-chan xD I'm glad you like the chapters!


	16. nerves without fuel

Ichigo blinks at the sun glowering at him through the window and let's it wash over him for the moment, relishing in the nice, warm feeling of content. As he dresses himself, he takes a look at the closed door in front of him, again.

It'd been a week.

They'd still banter regularly, take their dojo fights out at school, but nothing, absolutely _nothing_ is passed between the two at their place. And he fights the feeling, like he does to any intrusive, unwelcoming emotion, but it'd hardly been three days before he got the nerve to stubbornly wake up early and park himself right out her door like a mean stalker. When he thought about it, he fidgeted uncomfortably and was turning to leave, but then she'd opened the door and it'd been too late by then. He remembers her still posture, half-way through the door, and it'd been silent for a moment, but a second later, she'd gathered her most nonchalant look and gives him a greeting smile, a fake one that she uses for others, but not towards _him_; he stood there, frozen to place, as she walked off. Four days later, he hasn't been able to talk to her; she's avoiding him, and for good reason, he knows.

Ichigo knows his thoughts that night: fear that another step into that dark room would bring out the demon within him that he wouldn't be able to scourge out of as easily as the other times; that room is the pinnacle of his demise that he just cannot _go_.

But it isn't until now that he fully feels the weight of the damage he's done, how he ignores her fear and sadness for his own sake without considering how it'd affect her until the damage was done.

And it _hurts_.

And this overwhelming kind of pain is not what he's good with dealing with; it's a gut-wrenching feeling when the ability to numb it is lost, and he _hates_ it, but it's not enough to override the selfishness within him that doesn't want to let go of the safety net he's build so far, even though he's already taken steps into doing what he wants, burrowing himself deeper into his own pitfalls unintentionally with moving to Rukia- only intending to protect her when she needs it and possibly open up his own space, move _on_, but now, he's faced with the terrible anger stirring in him and now that it's there, he's at a stand-still again. He clenches his fist and grits his teeth, resisting the dark thoughts brewing from the corners of his mind.

"Ichigo."

He turns swiftly at the voice and is stunned to confirm with his own eyes that Rukia has opened the door herself, while he's standing in the middle of the room, deep in his own thoughts of hell. She gives him a half-smile, and a small part of him is relieved that at the very least, it isn't _fake_, then he looks down some more and notices an out-stretched hand that's holding something-

-a picture.

Ichigo stares up at her, and she nudges it up to him, one arm crossing over her chest and the other folding into crossed arms as he takes it shakily.

It was _him._

Glancing down some more, he notices a blurry, faded person that's cut out from the entirety of the picture. However, from the position he knew both were glowing with happiness, and even without trying, somehow he knows it's Rukia. He rubs his finger smoothly over the two.

"Kaien," he finally says solidly with nostalgia, speaking his name for the first time in a very, very long time. Even Rukia softens her stiff posture from the name that was never spoken up until now, and somehow the name he voices feels not exhilarating, not grief, note even _anger_, but just right.

Another balance.

"Keep it." Ichigo looks up at her in surprise, and she continues, "You need it more than I do." He looks at her disbelievingly, but she shakes her head; he relents, feelings some shame for his selfishness but mostly gratitude for what she does, and places it on the windowsill, a reminder of what he misses, maybe some longing...but quelling some of the anger. He stares at it, and senses a more peaceful feeling flow through him; when he turns back again-

-she's gone.

* * *

><p>Rukia is awake again in the middle of the night, a harder feeling pumping through her blood as she pushes it back willfully. Ten minutes later, she bends over, her elbows on her knees, inhaling deeply then exhaling again. She wonders if this is from fear when she finally decided to gather up the courage to give him something of him, to give him a temporary, settling peace. Although, to be honest, she'd been entirely unsure of herself, prolonged it by a week, thinking and thinking and pondering about the cons and pros of this gamble and could only think this would work, it <em>had<em> to work, and so it did. She remembers the relief that uncurled all the tension from her body and gut, leaning against the doorway, watching him place it on the windowsill...it'd been endearing.

The misty, nostalgic eyes he'd completely displayed for her had almost sent her into quiet tears; it entirely contrasted his earlier expression of anger, and the peaceful aura spread to hers that she nearly doubled over and started laughing and crying simultaneously merely because he'd _smiled_, even if it was a tiny, tiny bit, he _still_ smiled despite the hatred and anger that was still evident but temporarily dissipated even for a moment, and for that, she is happy.

She left, shutting the door quietly whilst knowing that this is his moment with his uncle (and partly because a tear had roll down her cheek).

It'd been a long time since she felt she'd done something _right_.

The feeling relieves her to the point where her blood is no longer pumping soundly at her ears but lower, and fainter. She exhales a sigh of relief and stands, pulling back the curtain beside her. A familiar yet nostalgic feelings runs through her, reminding her of times when she used to leisurely take walks at night, not for anything but for _herself_.

Rukia walks out of her room with purpose, craving for the feelings of herself again, but instantly stops in mid-step and stares at the open hallway door _without light_; and for a moment, she wonders when and how long the door had been open, then she boldly crosses the entry and stands in front of him, who's sitting on the bed with his hands clasped tightly together, breathing hard; and she just wants to slap him out of it, but past experience reminds her to be patient, reminds her that this is necessary_. _She silently sits beside him.

They sit together for a long time.

* * *

><p>Ichigo wakes up to bright light again, the covers pulled over him, bringing the usual warmth he feels in early mornings, but this time it's unusually warmer and he frowns, not uncomfortable or at unease about it but rather confused at the extreme ease and comfort he feels; and it's <em>heavy<em>.

He peers down and sees a blip of black ahead of him and immediately stills; _Rukia_. Then he remembers how the night was spent yesterday, him awakening from a nightmare he'd forgotten once he opened his eyes, but still trembling from the repercussions of the dream; and his hand instinctively nears the light switch before he pauses (whether it is out of courage or curiosity or lethargy he still doesn't know) and stands up to open the door himself. He peers into the room but all he can see is darkness, so he returns to his bed-

-the picture.

Ichigo then stills when he comes out of the photo and into his face, staring blindly but directly at him, and the nightmare spills towards him and he freezes in place, but then the light from the moon shines on the other blurry companion, making his eyes shift and he feels the heavy tension roll off his back. Drained, he sits on the bed and focuses on breathing- in, out, in, out, in- and then she comes in and he remembers yet again-

-he's not alone anymore.

He assumes that thereafter he falls asleep, having no recollection of anything else; when he tries moving his hand, he finds himself unable to do so, so he stops, looks down, and almost smiles. A mix of warmth and unworthiness battles within him that eventually it's displayed on his face.

"Baka." He snaps out of it and quickly turns to her with a surprised look (he would never get over how she always seemed to know him at his worst); Rukia looks at him loosely, lazily, yet he knows that despite that, she sees through him and that he cannot hide. "Don't think too much, otherwise you'll just be an old carrot."

"...Carrot?" Ichigo asks slowly, his brain unable to process the off-putting insult.

"Yep, and the rabbit will chew you away if you keep thinking like that," she quips with a teasing smile when he finally gathers himself enough to scowl slightly, but soon enough that falls and what's left between the two is silence.

"Kaien," Ichigo struggles to say, her calm, unruffled eyes encourage him to try again, "what was he to you?"

It's quiet for a while, then-

"He is my brother," she says firmly but quietly; seeing his doubtful, a little bewildered face, she adds, "certainly not biologically so, but that doesn't matter to me."

And that was enough for Ichigo.

He grips her hand tightly.

"I'm going to do this," Ichigo says firmly, "I'm going to walk outside at night. Today...this time, I won't fall to it again."

Rukia recognizes his affirmative, determined look -similar to when he forces her into his world and then forces his way into her world- and knows nothing will deter him, so she squeezes all her concern into his hand, while she smirks and affirms with, "Good."

* * *

><p>Night falls as Ichigo observes each star that appears on Karakura's sky, and somehow, his nerves are calm, slow, his heart palpitates duly, unlike his earlier thoughts before he simply sat down and watched. But the moment is soon broken as he nears the door and grabs onto the doorknob, stalling. Then he replays Rukia's evident courage to stay and fight; how she helps him without question despite him being an asshole and crossing over her defense lines; all of that reminds him of the selfish being he is, and really-<p>

-he doesn't want to stay that way.

He opens the door.

Ichigo stands there; sunlight doesn't hit him, warmth doesn't consume him into an air of contentment; rather the cool air takes him in, and a breeze flows by through his hair. He focuses on breathing, takes a step out, shuts the door, and strolls out of the building, a little stiffly. Ichigo focuses only on the road ahead of him, his breathing, and nothing else; his mind only on the present and the reality of things, not the figures he draws up from himself that turns into his own self-destruction.

When he completes a block and stands in front of his door, Ichigo struggles to stop his hand from shaking from opening the door but fails. He tries again and this time the door opens and he enters his own slowly and shuts the door behind him. Ichigo slides down the door and breathes heavily, _I did it, _he stares out into blank space,_ I really did it_.

Still slightly stunned, he rises as his stomach grumbles and finally notices that a dull light emanates from the kitchen. Ichigo pauses, then looks to the left; the door is open, not closed, and he just _knows_. He goes into the kitchen quickly, and reads the note first.

_Good job on completing the first round. Although next time, you shouldn't go out on an empty stomach no matter how nervous you are, or you'll make people worry. Now eat you fool. -Rukia_

He chuckles at her lame attempts of drawing him and his food Chappy-styled; then he grabs the food, microwaves it, collapses on the couch, and eats, smiling all the while.

* * *

><p>an: phew, ended on a good note this time i think xD tell me what ya think! :D and thanks for following/favoriting/reviewing!

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crimson sana: hahaha xD I'm glad you think so! thanks for the love x333


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